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Welcome to Aardvark Archie's Guide to FUNNY QUOTES , the site that knows a funny quote when it hears one!
For the best in Adult funny quotes and really humorous quotations and witticism, just click on the links below to get viewing some of the funniest quotations, funny celebrity insults and adult humor around! |
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Funny Quotes |
| 11. |
"I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them."
Emo Philips. |
| 12. |
"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator."
Emo Philips. |
| 13. |
"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."
Emo Philips. |
| 14. |
"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks."
Emo Philips. |
| 15. |
"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."
Emo Philips. |
| 16. |
"I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"
Emo Philips. |
| 17. |
"New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him."
Emo Philips. |
| 18. |
"You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back."
Emo Philips. |
| 19. |
"People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi."
Emo Philips. |
| 20. |
"I'm a great lover, I'll bet."
Emo Philips. |
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